Kelly's Journey

4 Years.

2011-03-14T20:45:00.000-07:00

4 Years.

The War Still Goes On...

4 Years.

It has been 4 years since the horrible tragic day. 11:25am I got a call from my old boss saying the Upland PD is trying to reach me, Carol had been taken to the hospital. 1.5 hours later I would be placing my lips on the forehead of her lifeless body for the last time in a dimly lit room located in the far corner of the ER. It took an hour for them to clean the blood from her body to prevent my last image of her being more tragic that it was.

4 Years.

I'm sitting on a balcony in Waikiki with a view of the beach and the sun is setting. I have a good job, a great boss, a great team of people I work with. I have good health. I have great friends. But underneath, the war still goes on.

4 Years.

A war is underway. A war similar to the trench warfare of WWI. A stalemate exists between the to sides. Neither can take the advantage. Between each side is a body of real estate that is called No Man's Land. In the bottom of a bomb crater is my home. This is where I live. In shock, I cower and shiver in fear. I can not advance nor retreat.

4 Years

On one side is the part of me that fights to hang on to her memory. To remember each and every day what I had, what we had. On the other side is the part of me that is desperate to let go and move on with my life. As I try to let go and move on the side that wants to hang on sends out a huge artillery barrage paralyzing the advance in it place. As I sit alone each day thinking of her, dreaming of her, the other sides blows a whistle and a sea of men come up over the edge and charge the line only to be cut down in a wind of lead bullets from automatic gun fire.

4 Years.

When will it end? How will it end? Will it be a dramatic ending with a final act of courage? Or a simple transition the way day turns into night? Will I find peace? Will I be able to love again?

4 Years.

...The War Still Goes On

And I'm back

2010-12-29T15:27:00.000-08:00

OK, I'm back.

Why? Three reasons:

1. I miss writing. Odd to say if you knew me but I miss writing about what I'm thinking, feeling and doing. I miss trying to find a way to communicate exactly how I feel. I miss being creative with telling a story. My grammar sucks and must drive some people crazy but I do the best I can.

2. I'm still in the shit. Big time. It's been 43 months and I still grieve.

3. Just because.

I've opened up comments again. It's open to anyone. I'll looking in from time to time to make sure I don't get spammed.

That's all for now, I'll start writing again soon. Take care everyone.

Kel

BTW: I'm living in Virginia now...

CONCLUSION

2010-07-11T10:48:00.001-07:00

This blog has come to a conclusion. Carol's blog and even mine have been used by people around me to benefit themselves at my expense. For the most part, I believe the benefits I have gained by using it as a tool to heal has exceeded what it has cost me. But that is in retrospect. I need to be looking ahead and make decisions that will give me every chance to succeed that I can.

I gave some consideration to removing it all together. However, I think about the few people who have, or are going to, go through a tragic loss of a loved one close to them and stumble across my blog. My expressions and disclosures are motivated to tell others they are not alone. What they think, what they do, how they feel is not unique. Some have variations of feelings, thoughts and actions but a common thread prevails.

Where am I now? What is going on? Did we win the contract? Did my leap of faith land me on my feet?

The best story is told, and ended, by leaving the reader wanting more. Love me or hate me, I think this is the best way to end this story.

I love you Carol. You meant everything to me. Your loss has broken my heart and my soul in a way that will never be repaired. I will continue to live the best way I can and wait for the day we see each other again.

Good bye everyone. Thank you for your love, prayers and support throughout the years. Without all of you, I would have never made it to where I am today.

#1 Fan

Going Crazy

2010-05-25T16:18:00.000-07:00

I'm not doing good. I've been unemployed since April 2nd. I was told to come up to bremerton to start a part time job on the 3rd of May. I started on the 10th of May and worked 5 hours. I haven't worked again and have not heard anything about working again. It was a bridge effort to help me out while waiting for news of winning the contract that I had come up for. News of that contract will not be announced until some time in June. If we win the work will start in July.

So here I sit. World of Warcraft. Online Poker. Other online activities....

I'm ready to hit the eject button and come back to California. I have no family. I have no father, mother, brothers, sisters, aunts, or uncles. My only family are my friends I've left behind. I have spent the last 13 years growing and developing those relationships. Before 13 years ago I moved every 2 to 3 years. Until now, I never knew what it felt like to leave all those people after all those years. It hurts.

I am angry. Angry that I let myself get in this type of jackpot. Because I accepted part time work I'm now ineligible for unemployment. I would need to be laid off again.

What do I do now? I've asked for some clarification about when I'll start part time. Nothing. I've started to look at other jobs. I'm talking to a recruiter in Seattle. I'm looking at leaving for the weekend. But another part of me wants to return to California. I'm alone here in an apartment with nothing to do. I'm going crazy.

While I try and figure out what to do, I think I'll rent "Up in The Air" and wish....

Kel

5 and a Wake-up

2010-04-14T09:07:00.000-07:00

It’s been awhile since I wrote. I’ve been busy getting ready to move to Washington State. The house is sold to a nice cute young couple whose parents to one of the buyer’s lives on the street over from me. I’m so happy the house is going to a nice young couple to move into and start a family. Sounds lame but that’s how I feel about it.

It’s been surprisingly easy to throw a lot of stuff out. Not anything like I had felt in the past. I keep a few things here and there but for the most part everything is going. I sold 90% of my house hold stuff to Darcy to have when she moved into her new house. I want to start over in WA with building my own household stuff. Now don’t think I’ve purged everything out my life that reminds me of Carol. Oh no. I have kept a few things here and there that may not mean anything to the casual observer but is priceless to me.

I went online to reserve the truck. That is a scary thing. An action associated with a commitment to actually leave. A day is set. Will I have everything ready?

I have a few things of Carol’s that I want to give to her sister. I’m not sure how to do that. Seems I’ve been cut out of her life and she wants nothing to do with me. I’m fine with that. But not sure how to get a few things to her before I leave that won’t cause a big drama scene. I’d like to avoid that even if it is unhealthy to do so. If anyone from Carol’s family wouldn’t mind storing a few boxes and footlockers for her sister I would be very grateful. If not then I might put it in a storage unit we still have and send the key to her. The problem is I pay a lot for a little storage space and not sure how long I want to keep that up while she puts off getting it out.

So here I am, getting ready to push off and away from California. I’ve been here for 19 years. I’ve been in the Inland Empire for 13 years. Being with Carol were the best years of my life. After 5 and a wake-up, I will leave it all behind me and see where life takes me next.

#1Fan

Kitty

2010-03-20T08:24:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I put my cat to sleep. Her name was Keycat or Kitty. Keycat was slang for kitty cat. Carol got her when she was a baby kitten. As a kitten she was extremely violent and would try and kill other cats or kittens. She would attack Carol’s face while she slept. Carol took her to the Vet to see what could be done. The vet said the only thing that can be done for this cat was to put her down. She was not going to change. At the Vet’s office was one of Carol’s cousins Kitty. Carol was not about to give up and decided to name the kitten Kitty and learn to figure out how to tame this violent kitten.

Carol went to the book store (years before the Internet) and got several books on aggressive cats and how to tame them. After months of hard work she started to calm down. Carol started dating around this time and went out with a guy who came over to her house. While sitting on the couch he was talking to Kitty when she reached up and opened up is nose. To this day he still has a visible scar on his nose from Kitty. When I met Carol on our first blind date I came unprepared. I didn’t give much thought about blind dates; they never work out. When the door opened and I saw how beautiful Carol was and how grungy I looked I thought, “Shit! I screwed this up.”

Kitty sealed the deal for me. While sitting on the couch, Kitty came up and started to rub on me and purr in a very happy way. For Carol, no matter how bad the first date went, she was going to figure out what it was about this man that Kitty seemed to like.

So there I was yesterday at the vets. I was agonizing over what I was about to do. My heart was pounding and aching. With sobbing tears they came to sedate her. I saw Kitty (Carol’s cousin) and thought she would come in but a mix up of who was doing what prevented her from coming in. I wanted her to come in very much but was so emotional I couldn’t be assertive enough. Then they came and euthanized her. I stayed a few minutes with her. I felt like I had failed Carol.

I went home. My house is empty now. I stood in my house crying. The phone rang and the caller ID said it was the vet. I picked it up and Kitty was on the other end. Now let me take a moment and just say that of all the years I’ve know Kitty she has never been the type of person to show any emotions… ever. Every once an awhile you catch a corner of her mouth upturn to make a smile. But other than that I have never seen or heard her share emotionally. She is just not that type of person. On the phone she said, “Kelly, I just wanted you to know that Carol would have been so proud of you. You cared and loved for her cats and they got to live a lot longer and happier because of you. I am so proud of you.” It was not the words that hit me the hardest. It was she said them through a sobbing voice cracked with tears and grief. I couldn’t speak; all I could do was cry out loud with her.

Thank you Kitty.

Act of Faith

2010-03-10T08:40:00.000-08:00

I heard a story a long time ago about the difference between Hope and Faith. When sitting in the audience of a circus watching a tightrope walker push a wheel barrel across the tightrope you Hope they make it across. Faith is when you get in the wheel barrel.

When I met Carol had a high degree of Faith in my life. I had a close relationship with my Higher Power (HP) who was loving, warm and caring in my life. As the years went by living with Carol and her disease my faith began to diminish. It didn’t happen all at once but slowly eroded over time. The last year of Carol’s life was the hardest. It was difficult to be front seat in her life watching her pain and suffering. She would sit up at night and cry asking why this was happening, why she hurt and suffered, why she would go to school or do things for a future she knew she would never have. I didn’t know it at the time but it had a profound effect on my faith also.

After she died my Faith in my HP was very limited. My relationship was one of mutual understand that each exists and is present but not much more beyond that. As events started to happen in my life that would show signs of the active participation in my life of my HP, I would start to get angry. It got to the point were I was up one night crying and screaming at my HP to stop doing things for me. He abandon Carol and would prefer if he would do the same for me. I didn’t want to see wonderful things in my life knowing they didn’t happen for Carol.

I’m losing my job. While searching for a job I found a listing for one in a town that was my first duty station out of boot camp. I left in 1989 and promised I would find a way to return. Then I got stationed in San Diego, then Ventura, and then met Carol. My promise to return never came to be. So now I have an opportunity to return but it is more than that. See, the opportunity to return to work is a very rare opportunity. Jobs almost never open up there. It’s not just any job either. It is a weapons research and development location. Not a place where you think that there might be a job in software development. This job is for software development. Not just a job in software development but a lead for a team.

The hitch is that it is a part of a contract being competed against a company already doing the job. The contract will be awarded in June. I won’t know till June if I have a job. I can’t take another job within my company because I would not be eligible to transfer for six months. Making me ineligible for the job if they win the contract. My last day of work is April 2^nd. I would be out of work and not able to look for another job for two months. There is no guarantee that there would be a job in June.

Which brings us back to the topic of Faith and my relationship with my HP. It came to me last night that this is a direct message to me from my HP. It’s like he (sorry for the use of the male pronoun) is holding up a large bold sign saying, “LOOK, I’M HERE!” The odds of a job, doing what I do, with the opportunity to be a lead of a team, working at a place that does not ever offer the opportunity happening at this moment in time is immeasurable.

So I have decided to put my Faith in action and get in the wheel barrel. I will accept the offer if given and wait till June. The way I see it is that this is not and issue of if I have the Faith of getting the job or not. This is an issue to begin to heal my Faith and relationship with my HP. It is not the results that is the lesson but the act of Faith.

Lost my job

2010-03-07T13:02:00.001-08:00

On Friday I was given notice that I no longer have a job. My last day of work is the 2 April.

a man walks alone

2010-02-28T21:36:00.000-08:00

To the end of days a man walks alone.

Looking forward yields a vast view of obscure clarity of purpose.

His mind wanders aimlessly.

Sharp edges of the new day caress his soft skin till it is all gone exposing the bone for all to see and wonder at the site of his joyful efforts.

“I command!” he yells.

Nothing responds.

At the end of days, a man walks alone.

Things Change

2010-02-12T12:42:00.001-08:00

What can I say: Things change. The rational mind knows this, anticipates this and even plans for it. But the emotional mind is like a cat on Crack in a small cardboard box. Up then down then up then sideways. Pause to take a breath, and then repeat.

Things change. I’m hanging in there with school. I’m amazed. My brain went into shutdown mode and it was hard to get it restarted. I’m getting through it and believe I’ll salvage this Term and be ready to start next Term.

I have my resume in the hands of 5 hiring managers. One is for a job in England. I’m excited about that. I have an interview in El Segundo on Monday. Not sure what for. I applied for one position but the seem to want to talk to me to see if I can fit another need. They didn’t talk about it and said more would be revealed on Monday. My only reservation is the commute to work. I live in Upland and it would be like driving to LAX and back every day. That takes about an hour more of my life away a day sitting in traffic. Leave at 5am and get home about 5 or 5:30 each day.

Darcy signed loan docs on Monday. Now it’s just a waiting game to get the keys. It would have been nice to get the keys today because she has 4 days off and it would have been perfect for moving in. But it didn’t happen so she will move out next weekend. Speaking of which, I will be gone next weekend hanging with friends in Bakersfield.

So to summarize, I’m still in school, still doing ok, finding a new job, and over all ok. The only exception is my feelings of grief are still here and still hard to handle some days.

Stuck

2010-02-03T16:41:00.000-08:00

I’ve been here before. It took me awhile to remember the landmarks and get a sense of familiarity with it. For the last nine days I have been here. Wandering around lost and confused. Although it look vaguely familiar I was so caught up in the feelings of depression to not recognized it.

Last Monday I was told I would be losing my job and to begin to look for work. For some unknown reason I felt like I had been kicked in the gut again. Now don’t misunderstand me. I didn’t go cry in my pillow boohoo all night. No, what I did or am doing is much worse; giving up on things that are important in my life because I lost the will to have it.

I’ve been here before. No will or ambition or goals to keep me going. Just the day to day pathetic existence called living. I stopped doing school work. I stopped calling my friends. When I talk with my friends it’s with a strong sarcastic tone that makes it impossible to be around me for very long.

I keep thinking I need to do my school work. But I start to think about trying to figure out the benefits of Interpretive theory or Grounded theory as a qualitative research method. My mind goes into shut down mode with a big “So Fucking What” voice.

I’ve been walking around asking what is wrong with me. Then it hit me, I’ve been here before. I lived like this a long time after Carol died. Living day after day with a big “So Fucking What” sign hanging over my head. It sucks having to look for work. Sucks getting rejected. Sucks having an MBA and being rejected to manage a Fucking swing shift and McDonalds. (ok, that last one wasn’t true but I still get rejected for lead or manager positions within my company) I get rejected because I became complacent and comfortable doing what I do and have not broken free to take on something challenging.

So here I am, stuck. I’m losing my job. Darcy is moving out and I will be losing my relationship. I’m losing my will to continue with my education. Soon I will be right at the same spot I was almost three years ago.

I’ve been hear before.

Dreams Part 5

2010-01-18T09:47:00.000-08:00

I had a dream last night about Carol. In the dream I was at the hospital cafeteria waiting to see her doctor. For some reason I had my Nook with me and lost it. After I found it I sat alone in the cafeteria. Sitting there, alone a feeling overwhelmed me all at once. It was the same feeling of pain that I felt the day Carol died. It is difficult to put into words. It’s more than hurt, more than crying. It’s like there is this large ball in your chest that is growing and is trying to burst out. It comes in waves, smaller at first and continues to grow in length and intensity. The pressure gets so intense it feels like my eyes are bulging and my ears are going to burst. I just want it out of my body but it won’t, or can’t leave.

I wake up. The side of my face is wet and my pillow is saturated from crying. Flipping the pillow over I got back to sleep. In my next dream I am telling someone about the dream I just had. As I do so, the pain rushes back into my body again and I repeat the process all over again. I wake up. Now I need a new pillow. Falling back asleep, I dream about telling someone my dream and do it all over again.

It has been a long time since I felt the pain of Carol’s death. I had forgotten the experience and the feeling. I remember thinking at the time I would never live without pain again. I believed the pain would never, could never, leave me. I also remember being afraid to let go of the pain because I would start to forget. With Carol gone the only feeing I had left to hang onto was the pain.

So what does this mean? I don’t know. What I do know is the pain was welcomed like an old friend. In a sad way it felt good. Real good. I hadn't felt the pain for so long that it was like an old friend had come to visit once again. Each time I woke up, I would remember how much my missed my old friend.

Christmas Part 1

2009-12-26T11:16:00.000-08:00

Carol died in March of 2007. That holiday season was very hard. Carol loved Christmas and the holidays. She had a ton of decorations that are all in boxes over the garage. Each year I would take them down and she would pack stuff up around the house and put holiday stuff in it's place. Then afterwards, she would put it all back away and I would heave it back up in the rafters.

The year Carol died I couldn't bring myself to decorate. For one, I had no idea how to do it. She always did it. Her family always has a gathering on Christmas eve. It has been a long standing tradition for a very long time. I knew that I would be encouraged to attend. I didn't know if I would till a few hours before it was time to go. I ended up going and it was very difficult.

The next year I decided to go to vegas. I kinda liked it actually. There are very few people there during Christmas and the rates are very good. I almost thought about making this my new tradition but missed seeing everyone.

This year I felt ready to bring everything down from the rafters. I had shared with some friends that I was going to decorate this year and every time I saw them they would ask, "did you do it yet?" I finally got it all down and started going through everything. My god did she have a lot @#$%! OMG! I have no idea what half of it is supposed to be used for! So I gave up and just put up the tree. Carol liked the tree most of all.

The tree came up and I hung the ornaments all by my self. I had never done that before. It was kinda fun. Then I got all excited about wrapping presents. Before I knew it, the tree was full of presents.

The morning of Christmas came and within a few hours, the front room looked like a Christmas bomb had gone off! Through all of it I never felt sad.

So it is time to move on. Time to let go. Time to heal.

Good bye.

Anger Part 2

2009-12-24T10:33:00.000-08:00

Anger is important to the grief process. The expression and feelings help heal the heart and soul. But it is also the most dangerous part of the grief process. Anger is like fire; it is important but very dangerous. Anger can be used to help heal but must be controlled during the healing process.

So it is with an angry heart that I write this. My anger wants to give details and lash out. It's good that I can feel it and express the feeling. Fire is used to clear brush away from a home. But if not watched carefully it can also burn down the house. I don't want to burn down my house.

People will say things because it is a nice things to say and it helps them feel better. Both the person saying it and the person hearing it. Words become meaning when put to a test. It is during the test that the persons meaning is shown to be true or just empty getures. Rather than hurt the person and tell the truth they lie until it is put to the test. In the end, it still hurts. That is not to say the person doesn't still care or love the other person. It just means they didn't want to hurt that person at that moment. Or it was a simple easy thing to say and never ever thought it would ever be put to the test.

What was said to me was put to the test.

I am not family.

Workshop Sat at 9am (TIME UPDATE)

2009-11-25T10:07:00.000-08:00

For anyone interested I have been asked to do a workshop on being a caregiver. It is at 9am Sat local to the area I live. If your interested and want to attend, send me an email and I'll give you more details.

Happy Thanks Giving everyone. I am grateful for the love and support of all my friends and family. It's taken almost three years to say that and mean it. Time truly takes time...

Kel

Changes

2009-11-17T07:03:00.000-08:00

I've decided to continue to blog. However, my blog content is going to start to change be less interesting for some of you. My life is different today than it was 5, 3, or 2 years ago. Grief has become less of an issue in life today than it was a year or 2 years ago. Even though grief is less of an issue I still miss blogging my thoughts, relationships with friends and what I'm doing.

I'm going to make some changes to the blog layout. Change the main header and some of the description content. I will start to make the transition from a survivor of grief to a normal everyday guy who is in a 'on again - off again - on again' relationship, working, and going to school. I'm not sure what would be inviting to people to come and read. Sounds sort of dull to me but writing is still a therapeutic experience for me. A part of me missed writing how I've been healing and progressing but my life has changed so much that it has become more about living than surviving.

The orginal purpose of my blog has changed. I thought about creating another blog but decided to keep this one and hope that the people who read it will forgive the transition from a grief survivor to an everyday normal kind of guy.

Kel

"It's Complicated"

2009-11-17T06:55:00.000-08:00

On Facebook (Which I'm on BTW http://www.facebook.com/navykel) there is an option for relationships. I'm tempted to put "It's Complicated" there....

Darcy moved back in and is in the process of looking to buy a house. You would think in times like theses that buying a home would be at a premium. But actually it's not. The only options for homes under $250k are ones that are owned buy the banks. The conditions are deplorable. Every home she has looked at is going to require at lest 10 - 30 thousand to repair. So in the mean time, we are back together while she looks for a home to buy. It's complicated....

Single Again Part 2

2009-10-21T06:52:00.001-07:00

Insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again expecting different results....

BREAKTHROUGH

2009-09-24T08:08:00.000-07:00

Before Carol died I had plans. I had goals. I had dreams. When I moved in with her in 1997, I was full of dreams about doing this or doing that. My mind was always coming up with this idea or that idea. Most of it was nonsense but once in awhile I came up with something cool. It was this drive that lead to me going to school to get my MBA. It was this drive that lead me to a job fair that lead to a job in software development. Up until Carol died my mind was always thinking about something.

Then it stopped...

Gone...

Empty...

Nothing...

Like a channel has gone off the air and all you hear is static. I learned to live with it. I was given an opportunity to return to my old program and travel for them. I was able to capitalize on my experience and on site support for problems or issues that would come up time to time. I have a very broad skill set that enable me to travel and do multiple task normally associated with different people. I would sit and wonder to myself sometimes, "what happened to my dreams, goals, and plans"?

I would think about doing this or doing that but there was never any energy behind it. No motivation or creative ideas that would come to me like opening a water facet. I had given up, resigned to the fate of going through the rest of my life this way. I wasn't happy about it but my attempts to force the issue failed every time. It was just gone.

BREAKTHROUGH

My program recently laid off about 50% of our team. I was fortunate to dodge the layoffs but it got me thinking about what I'm going to do now? There is a good chance the contract will extend three more years. I started thinking about what can I be doing to be in a competitive position in three years.

Before Carol died I had flirted around with the idea of getting my PhD in Information Technology. I would come up with crazy ideas of what to do research on and I wanted to teach at a university part time. But the time and commitment was too much for me to realistically take on with Carol being sick. After she died I thought about it some more but I had no drive or ambition to do anything. Plus my mind had been short circuited from the loss and I knew the academic demands would be too much for me. So I gave up and moved on.

Recently I have been talking to people about it again. Still no spark but at lest I was talking about it. Then things started to happen. Slow at first but as each idea start to spark another idea it started to take up momentum. I looked into a couple of local PhD programs but they all wanted GMAT or GRE scores. I looked at a few sample test and felt a wave of disappointment. There is no way I could take or pass these exams after being out of school for nine years. It would take me a year just to get up to the point of maybe, just maybe getting the score needed.

Then I remember talking to an online university while I was still with Carol. I found the original email and asked if the person was still there. She was and we started talking again. Before I knew it I was submitting my application for the PhD program in Information Technology with an concentration in Project Management. I start November 8th. There is a high probability I can complete my dissertation by December 2011.

That's not the best part. The best part is once I started thinking about going back my mind seemed to break free and ideas started to come to me. One built on top of the other. Before I knew it I had a clear idea of what my thesis will be on. For the first time since Carol died I feel normal again with respects to how my mind worked.

I have dreams again...

I have goals again...

I have ambitions again...

I am alive again

29 Days

2009-06-29T14:41:00.000-07:00

It's been 29 days since Darcy and the gang moved in. I'm still happy with the decision and so are they. The mood and atmosphere of the house is different now that there are people living in it. I've cooked twice on the barbecue. that is more times than I have in three years...

There are still residual stuff around the house of Carol's disease. In the bathroom on a low shelf way in the back was about 500 insulin needles. You would think that you could take them to a pharmacy to be donated but no you can't. I ended up taking them to the fire department and having them destroyed as bio waist. Shame. Believe it or not, I still had not transferred any of the utilities into my name. I had no need to do so before and it was all set up to auto pay when due. So I never really took any effort to transfer the name into mine. I finally had to do it though. The last thing to do is the checking account.

Darcy and the kids seem to becoming more comfortable in the house. They also seem to be very respectful of the house and helping me take care of it. I like that.

I keep looking at this blog and wondering what to do. I look at who has been coming to read it and am amazed at the fact that new and old people seem to come here almost every day. Not in larger numbers but ones or twos here and there. I feel guilty that I don't or haven't written anything. It must be disappointing to come visit ever day and see nothing. However, healing from grief requires letting go to some degree. I can see now how easy it is to hang on to grief. It feels like standing on the edge of a diving board with my toes on the board and my heals over the edge. It would be just too easy to fall back into the depression, sadness and emptiness of the loss of Carol. The only way to keep her alive in my mind is through the memory of the pain of her loss. To let go of the pain seems to be letting go of her. To let go of her is the fear I'll forget her. I know this sound dumb; how could I ever forget her. I don't want to live that way though. I don't want to be sad and alone for the rest of my life despite the part of me that wants to do that.

It's been 29 days.
It's been 29 happy days.

Kel

No Title Part 2

2009-05-11T09:39:00.000-07:00

I didn't put a title cause I'm not quite sure what to call this. First let me bring people up to date.

I was working in Vandenberg last week. I was surprised that Friday came alone and I went, "Oh Shit! I forgot Carol's Birthday! (which was on the 7th)" I had a mix of emotions. I felt kinda good cause I didn't dwell on it. But felt bad that I forgot.

Now for the big news...(drum roll)....
I asked Darcy, the lady I've been dating for about 8 months, to move in. (gasp).

I'm not sure how everyone will take this. Some will think it is too soon, others might be happy that I can start to live another life now or some don't really care one way or the other. It has been something I've been thinking about for some time. I have 4 hour drives to Lompoc when I go up there and back. So I would pass the time thinking about things. One of the things I would think about is asking Darcy to move in. During a conversation about her moving to an apartment next door where she was living for more room I happen to bring up the question if she wanted to move in. After a lot of talk we came to the agreement to give it a try.

She moved in for the most part this weekend. We are taking scuba diving lessons this weekend and the next. We are both looking forward to doing that. One of her daughters came over on Sunday to see Darcy for Mother's Day. I was showing them the around the house. I heard later that when I showed them the office I happen to mention that was Carol's computer bla bla bla. Afterwards she told her mother it kinda looked like Carol was still there. The desk and computer is still the way she left it. Grief is strange that way.

Even after clearing out a ton of stuff grief still happens to find a few things to hang on to. Darcy told her daughter that is they way it is going to be with a few things. She accepts that which is one of the reasons I like her and felt good about her moving in. She is willing to allow me to continue to heal from my grief. I'm sure if it got too bad or too creepy she might not feel that way. For now though, having her desk the way it is didn't seem to bug her that much. I do plan to move the desks out of the office and into the bedroom. So in a short period of time the office will not look the way it is now.

So what do you think blog-fans?

2 Years + 15 Days

2009-03-30T09:08:00.000-07:00

It's been two years and 15 Days since I got the call at work that devistaed my life. When Carol died that day so did a part of me. I will never be a husband to her again, I will never be a partner in life with her again. Alone, I had to face each day. Some were normal, some were hard, some were... well, harder.

Yesterday I finally threw out her purse. It had been sitting under her desk untouched for two years. I would always see it every time I would go in my office. I had a stack of mail that needed shredding and as I sat at her table shredding paper I kept looking at it. Finally I reached down, took out all the credit cards and shred them. I took her Drivers License and ID and put in my safe. (not sure why) and went through her purse. It hurt. Nothing was of any value in it. Then, just like that, I dumped it in the trash.

I plan on more house cleaning like that. I know I've said it before but I need to redecorate the house to be more of me. It is still all Carol. I still haven't painted over her writing in the bedroom wall. It still says "Carol & Kelly" in light yellow paint. I have bought paint twice to paint over it but each time I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. At this rate I'll be opening my own paint store soon. There are odd little things all over the house that needs to go too.

This year has been a very very busy year for work for me. I have been gone about 80% of the time. I'm home this week and will leave again Sunday for a month. It looks like it will slow down after that... I think. I keep thinking it's going to slow down but it doesn't. That is a good thing. I like traveling. My award points paid for a room in the middle of Rome for 5 days this summer.

I've decided I'm going to keep writing for awhile. There are a lot of things I still need to say and share. I'm amazed at how many people come to my site. A lot of new people have started to come recently which has prompted me to write again. I'm not sure if I'm a message of hope or not. I try to be as genuine and truthful as possible while protecting other people's privacy. I wish I could say a whole lot more but that is another story I think. This one is simply about me and the loss of my best friend, lover and wife. It's a front row seat in the live of my struggle to change, heal, and let go. I haven't always been successful but I still find a way to get through the hard days and enjoy the good ones.

It's been a long 2 years and 15 days.

#1Fan

Is it time?

2009-02-10T08:15:00.000-08:00

Next month will be two years. My blogging and sharing has dwindled down to little to nothing. I'm wondering if it is time to let go....

Twitter

2009-01-26T15:48:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to let you all know I have a Twitter account now.

http://twitter.com/navykel

Killing time in Dallas

2009-01-24T14:37:00.001-08:00

Hey everyone. I'm at Dallas Airport killing time before my flight for Huntsville. I've been on travel since the beginning of the year. Had a day to take care of things at home yesterday. One of them was changing my phone from an Omina to a Storm. I tried the Omina but was getting more and more pissed at it. The upper case arrow was right next to the send buttom. There is also no cancel button to stop sending a txt. As you can imagine I had a lot of confusing txt sent out. I heard a lot of bad things about the Storm but after having the Omina for 3 weeks, I love this phone. Still trying to figure it out but I really really like it. I've had none of the problems I hear about so I think they fixed all the major issues.

I know this is not a product review blog. How am I doing? I'm doing ok. I tried a roommate again. and was relieved when we both agreed for her to find another place. I wont go into the details but I'll just say I'll be living alone for awhile as long as I can afford it.

Speaking of that. I was planning to go to Spain in Aug. But I've been thinking about it and think I'm not going to go after all. It is a lot of money and think it might be a good idea to just take some time off of doing stuff like that and build up my savings. Not that I'm broke or anything (far from it) it is just I keep hearing Carol's voice telling me to save my money for awhile. My trip last year was a trip of a life time. It's time to just fix some things around the house, buy a new bed, and grow my savings. There is always next time.

Kel

Happy New Year

2008-12-31T10:43:00.000-08:00

Hello friends and family. I am doing much better this time of year than last. Things have become very clear to me now in ways that had been difficult to see before. Without the love, support and genuine friendship of the people around me, I'm not sure I could have made it through this year. I seem to have come through something and am on the other side now. When I look into the future I see hope not despair.

Until next year,

Kel

again and

2008-12-21T17:53:00.000-08:00

again and again and again

will i ever learn

Grief and the Holidays

2008-12-19T15:52:00.000-08:00

I was following the blog of a woman who recently died. I go back occasionally to see how the husband is doing. I think of him often. I don't have children so I imagine it is different for him having children. I was reading comments left by others and some of them are asking for updates on how he and the family are doing and that they wish them a happy holiday. I wanted to leave a comment but was afraid I'd get told off. So I'd thought I'd use my own blog to share what I think.

I think it f'n sucks! There is nothing happy about the holidays just after the death of the woman you love. Your soul has this painful gaping whole in it and a wind -40 degrees is blowing through it leaving pin stabbing pains. Your chest is tight and you can't eat. Every where you look reminds you of what you don't have in your life anymore, joy. So if the holidays are not joyful or happy I give you permission to privately boycott them for this year. It's ok not to participate.

I have no experience on what to say when it comes to the children. I'll leave that to others who know what they are talking about. I'm sure there are ways to minimize the pain and still allow them to participate in the holiday if they feel they want to. Perhaps it could be just simply going to church on the 25th and celebrating the birth of a religious icon of your beliefs. It doesn't have to be about decorating or gifts or joy. Simply expressing gratitude to the spiritual person and the sacrifice that person gave for the purpose of that day.

So to you, brother, I say feel what you need to feel. Express what you need to express. endure what you need to endure. All I can do is give you a little hope that it is better for me this year than last and that it will be the same for you next year.

Kel

She likes me again...

2008-12-19T15:48:00.001-08:00

Until Sunday when we have to do it agian...

Numb Viloent Acts still leave a Mark

2008-12-17T10:54:00.000-08:00

Kitty came home on Saturday. Monday was my first day of giving her an IV treatment. As you can imagine it brought back memories of Carol. The IV line and stuff. The needle looks kind big and intimidating. On Saturday at the Vets the did the treatment and for the most part she just sat there and didn't fuss too much. For me though I was not so fortunate. Today was her third IV. It did not go well. She fought me very hard and bit me. I had to stick the needle in twice cause she fought so hard I had to hold her down and the it came out. Now she hides from me in fear. I can't even get her to come out for food. Some people said they would help but have never called to come over to help. I understand, this is my problem. The problem is I'm not even half way through the treatments. We still have a lot more violent acts to dance together with. I'm sure when I'm done she will hate me forever. nice...

Kel

Kelly's Law

2008-12-10T09:10:00.000-08:00

Great Achievements Require Great People,
Great People are not Required Great Achievements

-Kelly's Law

Kitty

2008-12-08T11:52:00.000-08:00

Kitty is at the hospital getting nuked for a tumor on her thyroid. Doesn't she look pissed? She'll ignore me for awhile when she gets home but will get over it when she starts to put weight on again.

Anyway, just want to post something. It's been awhile since I've shared and wanted to say I miss the people who come here to read but who I don't get to talk to.

Hope all is well with everyone,
Kel

Dreams Part 4

2008-11-28T09:48:00.000-08:00

I’m currently in Lompoc working everyday through the 6^th. I like the work, very busy plus I get to crawl in, out and around missile silos. Cool! I had Thanksgiving off but am working today and this weekend. I like that, keeping busy is good.

I had a great time last weekend with a bunch of friends. Got to see some old friends I haven’t seen in awhile and hang out with current ones.

My mental, emotional and physical health has been good. I haven’t worked out in toooooo long. Not sure why I stopped but I know when I do it is very hard to start back up again. Might be why the depression is starting to seep in again.

I had a nightmare or bad dream the other night. It had Carol in it. In the dream it seems that Carol didn’t die and a friend of hers took her away for her to get better. In the dream I discover that she is still alive and became very angry at her friend for lying to me and keeping her to herself. When I came face to face with Carol she was mad at me and didn’t want anything to do with me. She said I let the house get too dirty and is upset with how I’ve started to live my life. In the dream I was devastated and crushed. I kept pleading with her over and over. I woke up crying. It was awful.

Lately I have been thinking of her a lot. The dream made me think about my life and how I’m living it. Am I the type of man today that Carol would be attracted to or want to be with? I don’t know. I’m trying to move on and find the will to continue living. Being alone is not fun and trying to make someone fit is not turning out good.

That’s all for now.

Oh, and I cut my hair!

Myspace

2008-11-04T09:33:00.000-08:00

I did it. I created a Myspace account and put a few things up. So, if your into that sort of thing there it is. WARNING: It is going to contain a lot of satirical content and dry humor. This blog will stay as a journal tool to communicate my recovery from grief. Myspace will be a place to simply communicate and express whatever is on my mind. The link to Myspace is to the right of the page where I put the "Follow Blogs" tool.

Take care,

Kel

New Things to Look At

2008-10-27T10:03:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone! I was looking around and noticed some new cool features for blogger. I found that someone is a "Follower" of my blog. I was able to look around and found a widget that will let people follow my blog when I add something new to it. So I added it and will try it out for awhile. Let me know what you think.

What's been up with me? A lot. I wish I could blog about it but I can't. I try and think of ways to write and share but I can't. I can say I'm living life as much as I can. I almost got hit and killed in an intersection the other day. I didn't have my cell phone and it made me think about dying and who would know I was in a hospital dying. How long would it take for them to contact someone and who would they contact?

I have a roommate again. Did I share that yet? I don't think so. This time I went with a Female instead of a male. I know the pervs out there are rolling their eyes and crossing their arms and giving me that dirty look. But it's not like that. I actually feel very comfortable with a woman as a roommate. I guess because I lived with a woman for over 10 years that I feel better around a woman than a man.

Last night I had another dream about Carol. I have been having a lot of them lately.

That's all for now....

Kel

A Favor for My Five

2008-10-01T10:37:00.000-07:00

I have a favor to ask all five of you who read my blog. Some of you might remember Carol was active in CFRI and other activities for Cystic Fibrosis. Someone has asked that I put up a request for friends of Carols to help them out. The primary purpose of my blog is to help me heal from the tragic death and loss of my wife, lover and best friend. I don't want to confuse people with trying to inject other content. Is this a personal story blog or a support for CF?

I will make an exception here. All that is being requested of me is to ask all Five of you to take some time and read a few stories and vote. No requests for money or volunteer time except the time you donate to read the stories.

Please follow this link if you wish to help out. www.solvaycaresscholarship.com

Kel

Single Again

2008-10-01T10:29:00.000-07:00

On Monday I had to step up and make the call to someone whom I've been dating to tell her I think it best if we don't see each other as a couple. For privacy reasons I won't go into details. We are still friends and harbor no ill feelings. Sometimes two people know when it's the end of page in a chapter. There is nothing wrong with ending it and turning the page to start a new one.

I don't know why I continue to get into relationships when I know, for now, I'm happy being single. I travel a lot and plan to travel more next year. This puts a burden on two people who are starting out in a relationship. I'm not ready to do the work I need to do to make it successful. Sound selfish and cruel? I hope not.

Kel

Relitivity

2008-09-25T11:53:00.000-07:00

Some things are just relative. If someone makes 40k a year, buying a car and having a $600 dollar a month payment is not unreasonable. If someone makes 80k a year would a $1200 a month payment be unreasonable? I have friends that spend $1200 a month on child care. If someone is single and has no children to take care of, why would it be bad to spend that on something that is a lot of fun and brings a since of enjoyment? I guess to some people this would seem out of line and too far over the edge of what is appropriate. I think it's all just relative to the person and situation.

F-Bombs

2008-09-16T15:33:00.000-07:00

I sometimes wonder if I should edit or delete posts after I've made them. I think I've only done that once or twice and only because it involved the privacy on someone else. For me though, I've continued to put myself out there. Raw and unedited. It my be offensive, abrasive, or frustrating to some of my 5. I apologize. I try to think about someone else reading this who has suffered a loss. They might find them self without warning suddenly feeling something. It is kinda cool that they may read this and go, "Oh hell yes! I know exactly what he means." Then they don't feel so all alone with grief.

also I kinda like dropping the F-Bomb once in a while.....

Oh, and BTW, feeling much better today.

18 months

2008-09-15T16:39:00.000-07:00

it's been 18 months. fuck i hate this shit

oops.....

2008-09-10T14:23:00.000-07:00

Sorry about that.

We came back from Vegas on Monday then I left for Huntsville, AL on Tue. I'm still out here. I really really like the work. I'm getting to do some things I've always wanted to do. It is kinda simple and repetitious but I still like it. We have ran into an issue here and there so I'm still here.

How was the weekend? Well, I played craps twice and won about $300. That is very good as I played for about 6 hours each time and would start with $300. That means I walked away each time with about $150. I like that. Not real big time money but money just the same right?

I really enjoyed my time with my new "friend". I would love to talk about everything, what I think how I feel problems challenges etc etc. But I think it best not to out of respect for her and her privacy. We know some of the same people and at lest 2 out of the five people who read this would know who I'm talking about.

I've had dreams of Carol again. I've been real sad when I think about her and how much I miss her. I'm doing my best to heal and move on. Giving time time. It is almost 18months. Imagine that, a year and a half. Is it bad to be selfish and think of myself during the last 18months and look back at where I've come? What about all the other people who was an active member in Carol's life? How are they doing? What about her sister? I emailed her once and she sent a very short reply back and I've never heard from her again. How is she doing? Carol was the last member of her immediate family. What about Carols friends? So many would call and talk to her about the problems they were having. Who do they call now? Do they sit at night and think about how much they miss her?

Kel

Las Vegas Part 4

2008-08-27T18:15:00.000-07:00

Going to Vegas this weekend. Staying at the Bellagio again. Doing the spa thing again and this time seeing a show.

...oh, and I'm bringing along a new friend..... ( I can hear all five of you groaning!!!)

Kel

43 + 2 Days

2008-08-17T20:39:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm 2 days into my 43rd birthday. I just wanted to write a quick post to let everyone I got through it ok. I spent the day with someone real nice. Saturday I hung out with friends. I have more I want to share but I'm kinda tired right now. Maybe later...

Kel

43

2008-08-15T07:11:00.000-07:00

I'm 43 today. I cried on my way to work. I miss Carol.

and Just Like That...

2008-08-05T09:24:00.000-07:00

Friends of mine have been encouraging me to install an alarm system for the house. I travel a lot and it would be a good idea to have one. I was lucky to have one in the house already. The sales guy came out and looked at everything and told me it would be easy to swap out all the gear for their own. I set up a time for them to come out.

As some of you know one of the last places/things that I've been holding on to is Carol's coats. She 'loved' her coats. She loved it when it was cold outside and she would bundle up in one of her fav coats and beam this big bright smile. Every once and awhile I would open up the closet and see them in there and think I need to take them to goodwill or something. But then I would close it and think I'll do it another time.

So the tech came out to install the alarm system. The main box just happens to be in the front closet. He came in talked a little bit, looked around, opened the closet door and Just Like That grabbed all of Carol's coats and took them out. My first reactions was like, "WTF!?" My heart skipped a beat. I stood there looking at them on the sofa arm rest. Then, Just Like That, I thought "It's time" and started going through all the pockets and making a pile.

After everything was done, I took all the coats to Goodwill. No crying, no cathartic or sad emotions. Later I was eating at Nancys. I was going through my contacts in my phone when I came across Carol's cell number. I would see it from time to time but could never bring myself to delete it. Sitting there, Just Like That... I pushed "Options, Erase, Yes" and it was done.

Where do we go from here?

2008-08-01T07:40:00.000-07:00

Now that I have put the breaks on the whole dating thing I have time to pause and look at my life. Where I'm at now and where I would like to go. Kinda heavy and deep sorry. One thing that bothers me more than anything is a lack of a pattern in my life. I mean I still haven't figured out this being alone thing. Each day is random and unpredictable. I may do this or I may do that or I may, bla bla bla.

With Carol, she always had a pattern in her life. Even when she was sick she still did things according to the day that she planed on doing it. This day is for vacuuming, this day is dusting, this day is cat box, this day is clean the bathroom etc etc.

I'm looking at my life and what I do from day to day and there is no structure to it. Of course it doesn't help that I travel a lot and I have friends that call up and say lets go eat sushi. I do, though have a bit of a routine now that I think about it: Monday night I go see friends, Tue night I go see friends, Fri, Sat I go hang out with friends or they come hang out with me. That leaves Wed/Thur(or tur as is was seen on a suhi banner the other day) and Sunday to try and find some kind of regular house keeping, projects, TV watch or others things.

Believe it or not, I "still" haven't played computer games that much. I'm starting to get a bit concerned. Computer games has always been a big part of my life even before I met Carol. Since her loss I still haven't had the feeling to play or play the way I used to play. That would suck if I lost that completely. (Of course I can hear Carol saying that would be a good thing!)

I wrote mostly about the short term things in life. I still wonder about the long term things. Do I still live here, should I move, should I get a new job. I think about those things a lot. But I'm very happy with where I love and my job.

So for now, I stay.

Strippers Rock!

2008-07-29T10:33:00.000-07:00

I imagine all 5 of the people who read this blog once a week or so are wondering what the hell happened to me? I was blogging along and then silence. A little blip about a movie review and nothing more.

It seems that I have come to some realizations that I was not willing or ready to admit to myself. As everyone (all 5 of you) have read, I have been trying to heal and move on with life after the loss of Carol. At first I was like “I’m F’n going to do this damn it!” then in time it became, “Hey, I would really like to go out with someone.”

So off I go to e-h and go on some dates. All of which I liked and had no horror stories to tell. No ducking out after excusing myself to the bathroom and calling to tell her I don’t think it will work out…. No, all were great experiences.

But something happened while I was in Lompoc for work. I was setting up all the times and locations for dates coming up. Then I had a dream. Carol was in it. When I woke up I had this overwhelming feeling that she was trying to tell me it’s not time yet.

I remember thinking, “WTF!?” It’s just a dumb dream. A part of my subconscious trying to tell me I’m still bla bla bla… It means nothing, just a dream. But as much as I tried to forget about it and move on, it still was with me. Kinda sucks to go on a date with the haunting image of your dead wife telling you it’s not time yet. That’s what’s called a Grade A BuzzKill.

So I continued on but just before this weekend I knew what I needed to do. I needed to let the women know about what is going on and what my intentions are. Man I hate that. How do you tell someone who is a great person that you are not ready yet and that it has nothing to do with them, times more than one person? I’ve wanted so desperately to blog about what I’m doing and how I’m feeling but was afraid to put it out there.

I finally broke down and sent out my emails today saying I’m not ready. The cool part is, I’m not. I finally get it now. It takes a lot of time and energy to invest in building a relationship with someone else. I’ve come to understand that I need to continue to heal from the loss of Carol. Until I’m healed, I’m of no value to anyone.

Which brings me to my final comment: Strippers Rock!

Mamma Mia!

2008-07-22T13:59:00.000-07:00

Here is a great review of Mamma Mia!

One Week Later

2008-07-10T15:58:00.001-07:00

What a week a difference makes in peoples lives. I know a week has made a big difference in my life. Last week I was all sad that I have been repeatedly rejected and was going to be all alone for the rest of my life.

This week I don't feel the same way. That's all I can say for now!

Kel

Must Have/Can't Stand

2008-07-03T07:36:00.000-07:00

I'm off to Palm Springs for a few days. I'm going as the third wheel with a couple. My own room of course... It is expected to be around 115 degrees there this weekend. I might get a spa treatment.

The rejections on eHarmony still continue to come but I'm becoming acclimated to them. I have matches that I'm not interested in but don't have the heart to reject or "Close" as they say. I'm not sure how long they stay on there before dropping off. I sent my list of "Must Have/Can't Stand" to the one person I'm been going through the "Guided Communication" with. I'm not sure I like that part though. When I read my "Can't Stands", and the way they word what I say, it makes me sound kinda like a dick.

"I can't stand it when...."
"I can't stand someone who...."

I don't use that language to begin with. I am normally a very tolerant person. If I'm not comfortable with something about someone I try not to use words of absolutes. If it is too much, I simply stop hanging out with them. It's not my job to change others to make me feel better.

So we'll see if I get past this stage. I hope so.

Kel

tom, marc and keith

2008-07-02T13:05:00.000-07:00

welcome home. you were not forgotten.

That Didn't Last Long

2008-07-02T08:01:00.001-07:00

The Rejectathon ended today. I got accepted by someone to start the process of communication. Not sure if or when the rejection will come but at lest I got past the first part. I also got a request to "FastTrack" communicate with someone but I did the rejection this time. Man, do I feel like shit. So Day three is starting to look better and I'm starting to adjust to how things work. The key is to have thick skin and not take things personal. After all I've been through, I think I can learn this.

Kel

Rejectathon

2008-07-01T20:52:00.000-07:00

I'm day two into my eHarmony Rejectathon. So far I've been rejected 5 times without so much as a hello. Just to make myself feel better, I rejected 7 of my own before they had a chance to reject me. I felt better. I think that eHarmony is nothing more than who gets the drop on who for the rejection. I don't think anyone actually makes an effort to communicate with anyone. I think it's all about who will be the first to reject the other. I think I've come late in the game. I think rejections used to happen a lot later during the communication stage. But now people don't want to risk being rejected first so they just do it right from the earliest opportunity.

Is this healthy for me?

Kel

eHarmony

2008-06-30T07:52:00.000-07:00

So, I broke down and signed up and created an account on eHarmony. I figured I'm ready to start meeting people and have coffee, talk, etc, etc. This Saturday I was missing having someone to simply go to a movie with or hang out. I was trying to think of who I could call..... no one. (sigh) Rather than feel sorry for myself I thought I'd do something about it. Put myself out there and see what happens!

Oh man was I wrong. They need to put a disclaimer on the site when you sign up and pay your money that your first contact with someone is going to be rejections. Within less than 24 hours I get three rejections! I didn't even get a chance to say "hello" and I get the door slammed in my face! Nice way to start out. In all fairness, I would prefer to have someone say they are not interested from the beginning and save a lot of time and effort. There is nothing worse in the character of a person who leads someone on to think there might be potential for a relationship knowing full well that they have no intention at all of doing anything. I think it is quite awful for a person knowing that to take advantage and use that person for everything they can get. A person like that, in my opinion, is a very ugly person. So I'm grateful that the woman that have started to reject me, without meeting me, are doing so from the beginning.

Should I continue to weather the rejections? How long should I hang in there?

Kel

Home

2008-06-22T02:53:00.000-07:00

It's almost 3am and I can't sleep. It is too frigin quiet! I'm used to street noise etc etc. But here, it is absolutely quiet and it is making me hear things. My ears are ringing too. Plus I'm still in another time zone.

Expect the worst
Hope for the best.

Expect the best
Fear for the worst.

Sometimes when I look at the future I am either of the two. The first one is a rather pessimistic way to live. But there are very little surprises. The second is optimism that breads resentments.

How was my return home? I'll just say I was not surprised.

Kel

The End of this Journey

2008-06-21T05:15:00.000-07:00

I'm at the end of this month long Journey. I'm at the airport hanging out getting ready for my plane trip home.

Looking back at my Journey what do I have to say that can summarize everything? Did I have a life changing moment? Did I meet a beautiful European woman and fall in love? Did I have moments of peace and joy? Bottom line, was it worth it?

I have been thinking again about this blog and when to end it. My life is not defined by my loss or my grief. My loss has been the most profound event in my life. It rocked the very foundation of my soul. It is not unusual to document this process and this Journey. But my life is not defined by a single event. At some point I must put aside the past and take a step into the unknown without regret or reservation. During my travels here in Europe I've thought a lot about bringing this blog to an end.

I'm not sure when but it will end soon. The problem is I have come to enjoy writing about myself and my experiences. I know that sounds very self centered and egotistical. I don't mean it that way. I have just enjoyed thinking about things that happened to me and how I would write them on my blog. I like wondering if people read it and what they think about what I write. It is hard to give that up. I could start another blog but I'm just not sure right now. I'm grateful there is no urgency in making my decision. I just wanted to share with everyone that this blog will end.

I'm just not sure when.

Kel

Back in $$$London$$$

2008-06-19T06:13:00.000-07:00

Checked into a hotel down the street from the one I stayed at when I got here. The room was cheaper. Nice room.... Then I logged on to get a one day pass for the Internet.

$60.00 dollars a frigin day!!!!

So, I paid 6.00 for 30min and checked email and made my posts.

I can't wait to get the heck out of here....

Kel

Leaving Europe

2008-06-19T06:10:00.000-07:00

I'm on the EuroStar on my way back to London for my last two days. I don't know how fast I'm going but I know I'm haling ass. So fast that you really can't see anything because it goes by so fast. I kinda like that. I'm really ready to leave Europe. I've learned that when you ask someone here in Paris if they speak English they will say no or "a little". What I've learned what "a little" means is this: Yes, I am very fluent in English. I will listen to you until I am board with you are pissed with you. Then I will pretend I don't understand you and walk away.

Having had my last bash at the French let me say a few more things about my observations.

The French are a very proud people. Their attitude of independence and confidence is very powerful. They have a very rich and ancient history that is reflected in thier art and architecture. They are a beautiful people. More than anything I love the sound of thier language. Of all the languages I've encountered here, French is the most wonderful to listen to. As much as I have complained about my frustration at not understanding it I am equally envious that I don't speak it. I have tired to say a few things and when I hear my own voice say the words it grimace at the sound of it. The French language most be spoken with the appreciation it deserves.

I think I would like to return to France some day. I might pass on Paris and spend some time in the South.

Before I left people had made comments about how this trip will change my life. Now that I'm coming to the end of it I'm trying to see how or if I've changed. I am different as I have blogged before but I'm not sure if that change would have occurred on it's own or was it as a result of being here? I didn't have a "Razor Edge" type of experience. Someone asked before I left if I was coming back. They were joking but I think maybe they also was serious. Did anything happen here that makes me want to stay? No. I have met some great people. People I want to see again. But my home is in California. My friends are in California. My family is in California.

It is time for me to come home to the people I love and the people who love me.

Kel

Paris Part 4

2008-06-17T00:06:00.000-07:00

Feeling much better today. I went out with some friends and was able to vent also and talk about things. In the end I always end up being grateful. I mean my god, I'm in frigin Paris! How bad can things be? I guess out of 25 days, I'm going to have one bad one.

Kel

Paris Part 3

2008-06-16T07:05:00.000-07:00

Sorry for this but I have to vent!

F#$% F%#$ F$%#!!!!

I have a bit of down time and would like to just relax and play a computer game or two right? NOT! My F'n hotel blocks the ports I need to get to the service to order the games. I came to Starbucks to pay for Internet to get unblocked ports and now my credit cards are declined when trying to pay for the games to download. France has an international ban on anything English including PC-Games. In the states when you get a game you have the option to select a language. Not in F'n France! France language Only! F%#$!

I've been trying to be patient and just let things go and go with the flow. But I'm really tired of this place and want to leave but I paid for the room in advance through a website. So I'm frigin stuck here till Thursday.

Sorry for the harsh language. I just needed to vent. I'm at Starbucks right now and just paid for an hour of Internet to have time I need to download a game and just found out I can't.

AAHHHH!!!!!

Normandy

2008-06-14T15:30:00.000-07:00

I broke down and paid for a guided tour of the landing beaches of Normandy. I have always been a amature WWII history buff. I have watched The Longest Day about 500 times. Every time Carol would bust me watching it I would try to convince her it was a new WWII movie I had never seen. It worked about 5 times till she started to recognize some of the parts of the movie.

It started at 7am which meant I had to get up at 5am and find my way to the place. I got there about 6:45am. I tried to find a Starbucks but couldn't. Right across the street was a coffee shop. I stepped in and got a double espresso. When I got the bill I almost asked the guy to laugh out load in my face so I would feel better for being a foul for stepping into this place to get coffee. 4.70 Euros for two shots of espresso. that's almost $7.50.

On the bus and off we go. What can I say.... Well, I got to fulfill a life long dream to stand on the beach of Omaha. I took some great pictures and will never forget the feeling of awe and somber reflection of that day when 10,000 American men in their 20s died on this beach. To think about courage of the men left alive to continue on while their friends died around them.

I was going to write about the tour and some of the things that bugged me but when I was standing on sacred ground and reflect on the suffering and sacrifice all these men made, how bad could any day be for anyone? How easy it is to fall into trivial problems and make them more than they really are. To think all these great men died on the 6th of June 1944 so that I could have the freedom to ride on a bus and feel pissy about something.

It makes me think and ask if my freedom and my life been worth thier sacrifice? I think about the person Carol was and how she lived a life in-spite of knowing she was going to die any moment of any day. In-spite of her suffering, she still thought about me and how to make my life better. At the risk of getting hate mail from those who think differently, I think Carol and the men who died on that beach had a lot in common when it comes to character and courage. I think of my own character and courage and doubt that I could ever be a tenth of the person these men and Carol where.

I may not have known these men, but I knew who these men were.

kel

Paris Part 2

2008-06-14T15:28:00.000-07:00

I'll start with my journey getting here. I had a general idea of where the hotel was and from my experience so far of traveling through London, Lisbon, Berlin, and Amsterdam thought I would be ok getting to my hotel in Paris. BZZZZZ!!!! Wrong! As it turns out, no one in the country of France speaks English and are more than willing to tell anyone that fact in French. My attempts to ask for help or direction resulted in several people shaking their heads and waving me off. I found a both where I assumed I could buy at ticket and was able to do so. While I put up the paper of the name of the town I needed to go to all I was able to get out of her reply was "E". I assumed it meant the letter E for the subway. So, off I went to the letter "E". When I saw all the stops on the subway line, none looked anything like what I was looking for. I figured I was supposed to take "E" to another place and then transfer to another train. Shit.

The brilliant mind that I have thought I should get a map. Feeling better I got one. One that did not have my town on it.... But I was able, somehow, to see where I was and guessed at the next station to get off at. To make a long story short, I somehow found my station to transfer to the train to the name of the town I needed to be at. Next was finding my hotel. I had the name of the street on a paper and you would think even if I don't speak French and No One speaks English I could simply show my street name on the paper and they could simply "point" to the direction I needed to go. BZZZZ!!!! Wrong! If they hear English they are trained in school to speak rude words to you in French and wave your hands and walk away. Somehow I found a map on a billboard on a street corner and found my street which resulted in finding my hotel. The receptionist at the hotel must be some kind of freakish outcast among the French people. I felt pity on him. He spoke English.

Kel

Paris Part 1

2008-06-11T01:31:00.000-07:00

I have a lot to share about Paris so far but I need to get out of my room. Ever feel like you need a vacation while on a long vacation? I did. I got here Monday and met some friends Monday night. I was supposed to go out Tuesday but woke up with my back hurting. Not real bad but it was like it could get worse if I don't slow down and take it easy. I had been feeling up till then that I just need to take a few days and sit and relax. I think I've walked 30 to 40 miles so far in two weeks. I sleep great and dreamed a lot of very cool dreams. I had my dream of being recalled to active duty again. Strange I keep having that....

So I'm off to see Paris. I might get one of those City tour buses and get my direction of where everything is. On Friday I have a 14 hour Landing Beaches of Normandy tour. I had to do that. It was a bit expensive but I figured I may never have a chance to see it again.

That's all for now,

Kel

Sad Goodbye Amsterdam

2008-06-09T06:55:00.000-07:00

Here are just a few of the friends I made in Amsterdam. The buff guy sitting next to me is/was from my home town, Portland OR. We even knew some of the same people from a long time ago. I'm so grateful I took the time to take a short break and stay here. Some people know Amsterdam by rumors and Urban Legends. I can say from personal experience that I saw a few but I will leave Amsterdam with a sad goodbye. For me, Amsterdam made my life richer. Thank you to everyone who took the time and hang out with me.

and remember.... I was never 'really' there.... (sorry, inside joke)

Kel

Fundamental Transformation

2008-06-07T02:39:00.001-07:00

I was reading a book once and it was talking about people going through dark times in their lives. It listed all the things I was feeling and going through. At the end it said that was called a "Fundamental Transformation". I remember being pissed at that. What the F does that mean? It's like they outline all these things and then when they don't know what to say it means they just throw something out that sounds kinda cool. What dose it really mean? At the time I gave up on it and went on with life.

I haven't been blogging much about my grief. I've been all into my European Journey and detailing my travels. Although I haven't wrote about it I have been thinking a lot about Carol. I have shared my loss with others I've meet along the way and am surprised I still find myself chocked up and cry at times. Under the surface it is still there, perhaps it will always be there.

I am different though today. I do feel like some fundamental part of me as a person has and is transforming into to a new person. I am accepting the person I am becoming and not resisting the change or trying to hang onto the memory of Carol. I'm not trying to force it to happen either. I can just sort of "feel" it happening. Like I don't really need to do anything but sit and watch the transformation. What I mean by "not do anything" is that I don't have to consciously try and work my way through the healing process. I still have to live and go through my daily life.

There are things I want today. There are relationships I want to have today. There are new friends I want to meet today. There are new places I want to see and enjoy today.

I am half way through my trip. I'm in Amsterdam. I went out for coffee with a bunch of people I just met. Wonderful fun people. We all laughed and joked and would talk all serious. I plan on hanging out with them tonight and tomorrow night. I'm looking forward to finding out who I will meet in Paris.

That's all for now. I hope everyone enjoys their weekend.

Kel

Next Stop Amsterdam

2008-06-05T05:04:00.000-07:00

I'm off to Amsterdam tomorrow for two days. Then I leave for Paris Monday morning. I looked around and found a room 1.5 North of Paris for 10 days for $1600. That's not bad is it? I have a nice room with my own bathroom and high-speed internet at no extra cost.

I figured that I wanted to spend a significant amount of time at one place. It seems just as I get to know my way around I'm off to the next place. I thought it would be nice to stay in one place long enough to know my way around. I think Paris would be a good place for that. I might be able to take day trips around France and have a place to come back to at night. I might be able to take a day trip to Normandy and see things there. I would really like to see the D-Day landing areas.

Kel

Berlin PostOffice Does NOT take Credit Cards!

2008-06-05T04:54:00.000-07:00

My last day in Berlin. I thought I'd come down to Starbucks and catch up on my blogs. Up until today, I have been not carrying anything around. I wear a plane tee shirt which helps me blend in. Today though, I took my backpack and immediately got hit up by Gypsies and other predators. I'm sure I've been cursed or something now.

I found a store with old Photographs of Berlin and Germany. Not real real old, only like from the early 50s. I saw one and fell in love with it. But it's $300. Is that too much?
See, there are other activities in Berlin that a perfectly legal here but not in the US. You would think that a single healthy middle aged male would be obliged to partake in activities. As they say, "when in Rome..." Call me what ever you want but I keep thinking of the things I could buy that would be something that could come back with me and be a part of my life for the rest of my life. For $300 I can bring a piece of Berlin back with me and put on my wall and talk about the things I saw and the people I met. Or I can get a 30min E-Ticket ride that is not for general conversations....

I think I'll get the picture.

So I got the picture... and found the Post-Office and after four tips through the line found out (after everything was stamped labeled etc etc...) that they don't take credit cards! I was so lucky I had just enough Euros to pay for it.

Take care all, next stop Amsterdam

Kel

Berlin

2008-06-05T04:50:00.000-07:00

Well let me just start off by saying Berlin and I didn't get along at first. We had a bit of a bumpy road.

WARNING: Strong Adult Language to follow!

It's FUCKING HOT!!!!

OMG! It is so frigin hot here. I checked into my room and it's like Africa Hot. I look for the air conditioning... HA! NOT! I have a room that faces West. I have a window I could open but no air comes in. I am literally sweating in my room standing still. The second fan I got worked. But there are no plugs around the bed. So I had to plug it in by the main door and stretch it out to the bed. For some reason the bathroom is higher than the regular floor. My toes found that out in the middle of the night. Ouch!

Laundry. You would think it would be easy to ask where a laundry-mat is right? No. The girl was mystified at the request and tried looking for one on the Internet. After about 15min I asked, "Where does everyone smoke Crack?" She looked horrified! I said I bet where everyone smokes crack is a laundry mat because no one who smokes it can own a washer and dryer. She didn't think that was funny.... I did.

I found one the next day, next to an adult book store!

I ended my day with clean clothes and a nice walk around Berlin.

Kel

Lisbon 2

2008-06-05T04:46:00.000-07:00

I apologize for the absence in my blog entries. I've been good about posting pics everyday but haven't sat down to write about my journey. I will start with Lisbon again. Specifically, two wonderful people I met there. Meguel and Jacqueline. I enjoyed hanging out with them and talking about many things. Although she is British, she has dual citizenship with Portugal. She can speak both languages easily. They both were examples of the wonderment and beauty of the Portugal people and the life there. I am in Berlin now and the contrast is amazing. To be fair though, Berlin is a multicultural city.

No one knows the future or what will happen. I'm not say that I can read the future and can predict things. No. While spending time with both of these people I was reminded of something. The way they communicated with each other. The way they communicated with others when one was not around reminded me of something. Something that I lost. When I was with both of them I was reminded of my own marriage and Carol. There are no guarantees in the world so all I can do is wish they get to live together a long time.

Thank you, thank you for your generosity and your friendship.

Kel

Lisbon

2008-06-01T03:36:00.000-07:00

I am totally OSD when it comes to getting to airports early. I have know idea why but I must arrive early. It seems I over did it when I flew to Lisbon from London. Because I was flying on an airline I have never flown on I was a bit nervous about how it would all work. I ended up at Gatwick 6 hours early...oops. So I got to know Gatwick quite well. The flight was just like Southwest used to be. Everyone line up and like cattle, rush the gate! I was lucky and got a window seat. They charge for everything, I mean everything. No free drinks or coffee.When we arrived I couldn't stop smiling. Finally a a country I haven't been to before. I was so excited. Like a dumbass I burned up all my battery power playing Texas Hold'm. When I got here the name and address of the hotel was on my computer. So I had to guess at the name. I told the person I asked that it started with the letter B. That seem to not be enough.... So as luck would have it I ended up at a hotel starting with the letter B two blocks from another hotel starting with the letter B that was the right one! My room is great. I have a hard line internet access but it still cost $20 a day. A friend in England told me to stop complaining about how much everything is and just get over it. That is so hard to do though. I just sent my clothes to laundry and the cost to do my shirts is half of what the cost of the shirt itself is... ahhhh....

Speaking of my friend in London, I am happy to say that my tan has helped me blend in quite well here. I don't stand out from the crowd as I did in England. I don't think that will be the same when I travel to Berlin on Monday. But I'm working very hard at staying inside during the day and going out only at night.

The city is beautiful. The language is easy to read but impossible to understand. A lady told me her name and it sounded like she said fart in it somewhere and I was "not" going to repeat it!

Sorry for the short post. It is Sunday now and I'm going back to be with some friends I've meet here. Not many pictures here, again sorry. I'll do better in Germany.
Kel

Next Stop: Berlin

2008-05-29T15:37:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. I just got here!

But I wanted to make sure I had a room and a flight to Berlin. Figure I'll go from one end to the other. I'm leaving here on the 2nd and stay three nights in Berlin. Then off to Amsterdam I guess or a few places in Germany.

I can't wait till tomorrow. A ton of stuff to see and do here.

Kel

Lisbon!!!

2008-05-29T12:54:00.000-07:00

I just landed and got my room in Lisbon. This place is frigin Great! The room is great! I'm so hungry though, got to go eat. Pics to follow tomorrow.

Kel

Reminder: To see photos, follow link "Pictures" on the left. No, the "other" left (right).

To Be Or Not To Be...

2008-05-28T04:32:00.000-07:00

...connected to the Internet? That is the frigin Question!

I'm staying one more day here in London. My Internet is about to expire and I'm thinking I should just let it go and wait till Lisbon to see how I get access and how much it will cost there. So for now, You'll have to look through what I've posted so far for pictures. When I get access again, I'm sure I'll have a ton more to put up.

I also wanted to say thank you to Heidi and Isabelle for having coffee with me the other night. They are fellow Couchsurfers and took the time to meet with me and have coffee. We talked a about a lot of things and agreed on everything but how well my tan looks.

Ok, I'm off to start my day. Take care everyone.

Kel

The Best Part of...

2008-05-27T07:50:00.000-07:00

... being spontaneous is that you never know what is going to happen next. The worst part of being spontaneous is you never know what is going to happen next.

I went to get my train ticket today to Lisbon. Sold out. The earliest I could get there was Sat night. I need to be there Thursday night. Crap! Now what do I do? A CS (Couch Surfer) told be about Ryan Air. I looked but they don't go to Lisbon. Then the receptionist down stairs (who is from Spain) told me about Easy Jet. So I looked it up and got a one way ticket to Lisbon! I get there Thurs at 8pm. Perfect! The only problem is it cost me another $240 to stay another night in London. Oh Well right?

Kel

London Day 2

2008-05-27T02:28:00.000-07:00

I decided to take the train to Lisbon. It seems I would not be saving as much as if I would take the plane. Seems there is no cheep flight to Lisbon. I can get to Madrid but I would be getting there at 10pm at night. Then I have to take the train anyway overnight (that's the only train to Lisbon). So air fare plus lodging will save me a few dollars but I still get there the same time. I like the train because I can see so much more of the country side along the way to Madrid. It may cost me a little more but the adventure might be worth it (both positive and negative).

I'm off to spend a rain free day in London. Pics to follow. After tomorrow it might be a few days before my next post. Wifi access is not like the states here and cost 2x as much when you do find it. I'll continue to take pictures and when I get acess to wifi, post my journey and pics.

Take care all,
Kel

Travel Light

2008-05-26T05:06:00.001-07:00

SDC10030, originally uploaded by Navykel.

So, my attempt to post pictures is kicking my ass. I trying to figure out how to embed the java script side bar widget so that I get that cool thing that has pictures rotating around. But.... haven't figured it out yet so I can only post one at a time per-post. Not going to work but for now this will work.

This is everything that I brought for a whole month!

Take note of the link to the right that will take you to my pictures on Flickr. Until I figure out the flash widget, that will have to do.

Kel

London

2008-05-25T07:26:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to drop a note that I made to London. Lots to talk about but need to go eat. Got some pics of the party before I left. Will try and get them posted today or tomorrow.

Take care all,

Kel

T- 3 Days

2008-05-21T08:50:00.000-07:00

T minus 3 Days and counting.

Not much to post today. I'm getting a lot of feedback and help from people. I have a contact in London and northern Spain already. Haven't heard from anyone from Lisbon yet. It seems Monday is a Holiday in London so I'm looking forward to hanging with people who normally have to work.

Still not sure what I'm doing after Lisbon. I'd like to travel long the Southern Coast of Europe but I am open to where fate may take me.

Kel

T- 6 Days

2008-05-19T10:08:00.001-07:00

Tee minus 6 days and counting. I’m starting to get excited. I got a back pack this weekend. Took it home and found out my notebook is going to be a problem. Seems desktop replacements don’t travel well in backpacks. Oh, it will fit but it’s like… 50 lbs. Just Kidding (JK). It’s around 15 I think. So I’m going to buy a light weight notebook and take it with me. I want one to help with traveling, blogging, email and watch my money.

So far it looks like I’ll spend two days in London then hit the train to Lisbon. There is an event I’m going to there and will have a chance to meet a lot of people. I’m hopping someone will let me crash at their place. Thanks April, I registered with the Couchsurfers and have tried to hook up but the short notice may not work for me. I’ll keep trying.

Not sure yet what I’ll do after Lisbon. I’d like to go to the south of Spain and work my way up to the South of France. Whatever I do or where ever I go, I’ll post daily here with pics for everyone to follow along.

Kel

Update: Found this site that has great travel tips.

Europe T-8 Days

2008-05-16T09:37:00.000-07:00

Eight Days before I’m off to Europe. Yep, I’m off to Europe for a month. It sounded like a good idea on Tuesday. I got in impulsive thought, followed up with a request at work, got approved to take the time off, followed that up with a non-refundable two way ticket to London. The hangover is starting to kick in as I look for places to aahhhh…. sleep? OMG! I’m so screwed! I’m going tomorrow to get a back pack and sleeping bag. If I have to, I can find a camp-ground or two. I can’t believe how weak the dollar had become. I feel like a citizen of a third world country trying to go away for awhile. I look at hotels in some of the places I want to go and think, “I’m so screwed…” I’m looking at Amsterdam and I can’t find anything for under $100 a night.

So, any help from friends or fans I will take into consideration. I’d like to avoid places that have a high degree of getting robbed. But who knows, that might be a part of the adventure right?

Kel

Carol’s Birthday

2008-05-07T08:58:00.000-07:00

Today is/was Carol’s birthday. She would have been 46. Knowing her she would have been very very happy to have another birthday but would not have been happy at all at being 46.

In other news, for the first time in 6 years my cholesterol has finally lowered to normal levels. Carol was always trying to get it to go down for me. Diets and stuff. But it never did. I went and had blood work done to see how it is doing. I guess losing weight and exercise has helped. When I found out I was so happy but then was sad that I had no one to share it with who would really care. I’m sure people are like “Oh yeah! That’s good news.” But I know that Carol would have been giggly happy about it. I miss having someone to share moments like that with.

I’ve had friends send me private emails and have with tact and compassion, reminded me of my situation and that some things are best to leave as fantasy and some things are best to keep in your life because they provide a means to aahhhh… eat?

So for now, I’ll just dream.

Kel

Dreams Part 3

2008-05-06T10:58:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot lately about dreams. Not the kind that have me wearing women’s underwear riding backwards on a donkey with clown makeup on smoking a cigarette then wake up and worry that means I might start smoking again. No, I’m talking about dreams of what I want to do in life.

What do I want to do in life? My dream before was to enjoy each and every day with Carol. That dream has ended and it’s time to move on.

I have something that I have been thinking about. I have always had this dream and kept it very private. I have only shared it with a few people, Carol being one of them. It would mean a radical change in life and life style. It is very scary and full of uncertainty. But if I get a chance, it would be something that would present each and every day with wonderment and joy. The risks are very high and the chance of failure almost certain. But the rewards are more about self fulfillment than money.

So Navykel Blog Fans, What do you have to say about this? Be conservative and take the easy way out in life, or take the leap with eyes wide open?

Kel

The loss of a Good Friend

2008-05-02T07:15:00.000-07:00

While working at Azusa, I I had the opportunity to meet and become friends with David. He was as much as a smart ass as I am. We had to work on a project together and despite the rough edges, we got along great. He was always some I could talk to about anything. He always supported me and encouraged me to do my best.

I will miss you David.

200 Push-Ups

2008-04-29T08:04:00.001-07:00

I remember Carol asking me how many push-ups I could do. It was way back when I was fat and out of shape. I got down and was ashamed I could only do 20. My arms were shaking and I was straining to try and get the last one out. I remember her sitting in the chair shaking her head back and forth saying I need to start getting in shape because when she gets new lungs, she’s going to be able to kick my ass at almost anything.

I have continued to exercise and stay in shape since last May. I don’t get to the gym as often as I want to but I have weights at home that I use ever day. While on travel I do push-ups and sit ups to maintain my health. I am amazed today that I can do 50 push-ups wait, 40, wait, 30, wait, 20, wait, then 10. After 30min I go for one last push for another 50. I just can’t believe I can do that.

Not much of a blog entry but I promised a very good friend I’d post something since it’s been awhile and people like to know what’s going on. My last two posts have been a bit dark and depressing. I told someone the other day that I feel better but I don’t feel good. Is that possible?

Kel

Left Behind

2008-04-18T14:19:00.000-07:00

After my last post I'd thought I'd best not leave everyone wondering how I'm doing. It's kinda of a long story and not ready to go into great details about it yet. I am talking to people and I'll just say I have no secrets that I'm keeping to myself about anything that is going on. At lest two people who are close to me knows everything that is going on. I plan on opening up to others this weekend.

Death is not easy for those left behind.

1 Year + 1 Month

2008-04-15T08:47:00.000-07:00

Not doing good.

I blog about the times I’m not doing good and I get all kinds of encouragements and people saying how strong I am and that I will get through this. I hold back a lot on saying how things are because I don’t want to sound like I don’t believe them or that I’m stuck in the perpetual grief cycle. I’m afraid people will get tired of hearing me share about how bad things are. “Time to get over Kelly and move on with your life.” Is what I hear in my head from people.

But I’m not doing good. In fact, I’m I feel like I’m losing ground. I feel like I’m falling down a bottom less pit and the sides are made of black sticky residue. When try to reach out and grab hold of something my fingers just pass through it and never seem to get a hold of anything. My life has no meaning anymore. I have no goals or ambitions. All I do is get up go to work, come home, go to bed. I don’t play computer games anymore and I don’t watch TV any more. I try to stay busy as much as I can. I try to date and meet someone else. But I feel like I’m and just going through the motions of what is expected of me. I do it because that’s the next indicated thing to do. Fake it till I make it.

I’m getting scared.

Las Vegas Part 3

2008-04-09T10:17:00.000-07:00

I decided to take another trip to Vegas. I always wanted to stay at the Bellagio because it has the lake and fountain that plays to music. The idea of getting a room with a view of that sounded really cool. While getting the reservation I took a look at the spa packages and decided to go ahead and pay for one and see how it goes. Usually when I do this I always get screwed. When I checked in at the front desk I noticed they had me staying in the Spa Tower. While making my reservation, I got a room with a “partial” view. To me this meant if you look really hard around the corner you can see the edge to of the lake. I was shocked when I walk into my room and saw the view. I was so happy I had to take pictures and send it to everyone!

As I have already said in other posts, I like to play craps. I had been spending time trying to learn a particular disciplined approach to playing craps and was egger to try it. The only problem was I was set up to play the “right” better. Meaning I was set up to bet with the shooter. All weekend the tables were very cold. If I had been ready to be a “wrong” better, I would have done very well.

Saturday at 1pm I checked into my spa deal. I was nervous and unsure what I was getting myself into. The package I got started with some kind of water massage. It was going to be like an hour to and hour and a half long. The lady came and got me and took me into a room that had a small pool in the center. The lights were dim and soft music. I got in the water and she put floats on my knees to help me float in the water. During the massage she supported my head to keep my mouth above water. The experience was overwhelming. I closed my eyes and just let myself go. Soon it became obvious to me that I could really let a lot of grief go here. I surrendered and started to cry. Not like over the top boo hoo cry but just a constant flow of tears. I allowed my self to imagine the most horrible things about how Carol suffered, her pain, I even imagined what her last moments must have been like and what she might have said knowing she was going to die. Then something strange happened, the bad memories started to become less and less. Out of no where I started to have memories of Carol that were good ones. I started to smile and laugh. For the first time since she died, I felt happy when I thought about her.

My next thing was a body polish. I won’t talk about that….

Then I had lunch. While taking me to the meditation room for lunch I passed a sign that said “Reserved for Private Party”. I walked in and my lunch was waiting. I couldn’t believe it, I had the whole meditation room to myself with lunch for a whole hour!

Next was a hands, feet and scalp massage. The guy started talking and I told him I had never done anything like this before. He asked me how it was so far. My replay was, “It is better than putting a gun to my head.” I then began to share about my last year and that I had been hopping that this year would be better but it hasn’t been. This was an attempt to try something to help me.

Sunday came and the craps tables where still rolling cold and I decided to come home. I’m feeling better today. Not great but not like I was. I guess it comes down to taking each day as they come.

PTSD

2008-03-30T09:01:00.000-07:00

"Post Traumatic Stress Disorder"

I've been debating if I should blog this or not. It sort of puts me out there with a self-disclosure of a health issue that might be used against me. I decided to do it because it is something that had become a serious problem in my life and my ability to successfully let go and move on. I hope that someone who reads this that has suffered as I have might see this as a road map of what lies ahead or a way of knowing they are not alone.

Before I begin I want to go on record as saying this, I love(d) Carol. I would give anything to have her here today in my life and sharing everything together. Period. She was my lover, my best friend, my soul-mate.

With that said, here we go...

Stress.
In the beginning with Carol it was not that bad. She worked two jobs and took care of the house. I was unemployed and was doing my best to figure out what the hell to do with my life. She would cough at night but not that bad. November of 97 changed everything. She hit the wall and had to be admitted to the hospital. She was near death. For the next three years everything was still ok. Most of the stress came from Insurance and billing. She would go on IVs every so often.

Soon see began to become pan resistant. Meaning that her bugs in her lungs were mutating to the point that no antibiotic would help her. That was when she got listed for transplant the first time. As time went by the mutation changed and opened up more antibiotics and she decided to come of the list.

Then the day came when they delivered Oxygen. I remember that day. It was devastating for her. She cried all night. I cried all night. She was so god damn stubborned that she would resist it as long as possible.

At this point the stress was still only bad when she would get real sick and get admitted. Each time she would go in there was always this thought of was she going to come out. I think that's when it started to get real hard for me. Someone I started working for was not supportive of people with family problems and made things more difficult for me than it needed to be. I was demoted to a non critical position and stuck in the corner away from everyone I worked with.

Bleeding.
Then the bleeding started. She would have it happened maybe once a year or so and never real bad. But then it started happening more frequently. In July of 96 she had a massive bleed. I wrote about it detail on her blog. If you want you can look for it in the month of July on her blog. After that the stress became very hard. I wasn't conscience of it. It was just something I dealt with the best way I could. But after that day I would worry every day if or when it would happen again. Most of all I worried it would happen while I was at work and no one would be there to help her and she would die. Every time I didn't get a call or an email at work I would worry that she had bled to death. Every time I would come home and hear and siren I would worry it was going to my house. Every time I would come home and turn the corner I would worry that fire trucks would be parked outside my home.

Death.
Then it happened. It happened just the way we both feared the most.

Today.
I have tried to date other women. I have found myself reacting to stress in a relationship or the beginning stages of a relations that is not right. It's difficult to explain. It's like if something comes up my reaction to it is not proportionate to what is going on. I am shocked that I find myself having physical reactions to stress. My heart rate will shoot up, my gut will go into a knot and I'll start to breath fast. It's like I'm starting to panic and I don't know why.

That's when it started to dawn on me that I might not have escaped the stress of living with Carol totally intact. The trauma of living with someone who can die any moment of any day, then dying the way I feared the most has left me in not good shape. Women I date quickly see this and bail out. This only adds to the stress that I can't have a normal healthy relationship. I keep repeating the cycle over and over again.

Healing.
I want to heal. I want to move on. I have decided to seek professional help. I don't think it will happen over night. However, I am committed to learning how to live with and responded to stress in a healthy manner.

Wish me luck and say a prayer for me?

Kel (AKA #1fan of Cutecarols)

Feeling better

2008-03-27T08:29:00.000-07:00

I was driving into work today and had a moment were I felt better than I have since the 15th. I actually felt "happy(?)". It was an odd experience and quickly went away!

I have a busy weekend planned. I was diving Friday night but the wave models show 4 to 6 foot waves Friday night. Not a good way to go into and out of the surf. So I might go out to Riverside to see some friends. Saturday I might go for a bike ride in the morning then I have a 1pm Tee time to play golf. I had planned to go down to San Diego late Sunday on the bike. I was going to go with a friend and others on their bikes. But it looks like rain and I'm not into riding in the rain yet. So that leaves my Sunday open.

I figure something out.

Kel

No Title...

2008-03-26T06:26:00.000-07:00

I'm taking my bike in for service today. I'm ashamed that I've had it a year and only put 1000 miles on it. It's a beautiful bike and is very nice to ride. Why I don't ride it more I don't know. On Sunday I plan to go on a long ride to San Diego and back. I might ride with a friend or two and someone said she would like to ride with me. That would be nice.

I hate depression. I mean, I really hate it. I'm exercising, talking with friends, and keeping busy. It still seems to seep it's way into my mind and soul. I was telling someone it's like watching the tide come in. Slowly, it creeps it's way up. Not like a rush or real fast, just a slow deliberate assault on the mind.

This year is not going quite as planed. I thought that I would be better, more positive and it would be easier to let go. That does not seem to be the case.

I'm going to try dating again. That is an odd thing dating. Someone explained to me that I'm like a guy who has lived in the wilderness for all my life and then suddenly dropped in the middle of New York City. I had a loving wonderful relationship with someone. Now I'm in the middle of an environment I am completely unaccustomed to. I'm lucky I have friends I can call and ask things to.

Anyway that's all for me today. I still don't know what to do with this blog. I have had people say I should keep writing. I don't know...

Kel

Alone

2008-03-24T08:31:00.000-07:00

I went to Sacramento this weekend. I decided to go at the last minute after talking with a friend. There was an event going on where about 4 - 10 thousands people would be there. There would be a chance I would run into some old friends and make new ones. I thought about what it would be like spending another weekend home alone and thought, I'd rather be alone surrounded by thousands than alone at home alone.

There I was, all weekend, there.

Now I'm home. Alone.

Self-pity

2008-03-18T08:02:00.001-07:00

Self-pity, that’s a harsh word isn’t it? Where is the line between genuine pain of loss and self-pity that continues to replicate itself over and over again? When does the healing part of grief turn on itself and become harmful? How do we let go?

I don’t know the answers to these questions. What I don't want is to be stuck in a state of perpetual self-pity that spirals into depression. I’m sure there are people who have strong opinions and are willing to tell me what they think. I’m not really asking I’m just expressing my current state of mind. The recent event in my life has made me think a lot about my motives, needs, and wants and how easy it is for me to get caught up in things. The end results are always the same, pain. What I learned from this one is that some people bring into the next relation the good things they learned from the previous one. Some people bring the worst things into the next relationship form the previous one. Some people benefit from the goods things; others pay for the bad things.

Being selfish and self-centered, I like to think that I bring into my next relationship all the good things I learned and experienced from being with Carol.

That being said, I still have serious defects of character and short-comings that may make the next relationship hard at times. While I was with Carol, my defects of character and short-comings were not that big of a deal or hers with me. I guess it’s different when you are in love and live with someone who can die at any moment of any day. The things that piss you off about another person don’t seem that important to hold onto. You never think that you’re going to have to live with (insert defects of character and short-comings here) for the rest of your life with this person. You know your time together is limited and it is more important to enjoy life together.

This may have worked with Carol but I don’t think I’m going to get away with it in my next relationship. There are things about me I need to work on and improve. I’m not sure if I can do it while I’m single but not sure either if someone wants to put up with me while I work on them during a relationship.

I guess only time will tell.

1 Year + 2

2008-03-17T08:30:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am two days into the second year. How am I doing? Hmmmm….. lets see. What’s a word used to describe the state of a human being who lies in bed all day, has no motivation to do anything, lost all hope for the future and can’t stand to be in their own skin? That pretty much sums up how I was doing yesterday.

I had just finished placing tape on everything in my bedroom and was getting ready to put the base coat on the walls when I got “the call”. Afterwards, I had no energy or motivation to do anything any more. My room stayed in the “state” for the rest of the day all the way till about 6pm the next day. I just lay in bed and looked at my room. Unwilling or unable to get up and do anything. I was talking with a friend about what was going on. Then they made a suggestion, take the tape off. It hit me that sounded like a good idea. They said take the tape off and leave Carol’s message on the wall for a little while longer.

From out of no where I got this burst of energy to get up out of bed, take all the tape off the walls and move my furniture back to the original location in my room. It felt good. I felt better. I’m not sure what I’m going to do with my paint now. I actually thought it might be a good color for the living room or hallway. Maybe.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do with my blog now. I’ve been thinking of coming to a point where I let go of it and move on. If I do that, I will let everyone know.

Kel

Dumped

2008-03-16T11:07:00.000-07:00

I was dumped yesterday. God hates me.

Carol Sweeten

2008-03-15T14:44:00.000-07:00

Died today March 15, 2007

She was my wife, my lover and my best friend forever.

That is all I have to say about that today.

The Friday After

2008-03-14T08:12:00.000-07:00

Today is the Friday after. I remember that first night. I don't think I slept at all and if I did, it was only moments of being unconscious. I remember the pain, never ending pain. I remember crying so much I had to take Advil because my eyes hurt. I remember be in a state of shock. I can't imagine what it must be like for people to go through it alone. I don't drink or do drugs or do prescription medication so I had nothing to mask or hide the pain. I had to feel every painful second. The Friday after was a blur to me now. That first day. I just remember a lot of people being around me coming and going from the house.

Now I have another Friday After. The pain is gone or only something that is felt on occasionally. I have a plan today. I'm going to clean the house with a help from a friend. I still have a ton of medical supplies that need to be thrown out. I want to take a bunch of stuff to Goodwill. I'm going to pick out a color to paint the bedroom and paint it. I'm going to paint my bedroom today. Some of you know but most do not that Carol was going to paint the bedroom. She was playing around with a color and painted, "Carol Loves Kelly" on the wall in the bedroom. It's hard to see because the colors almost match. You have to really look for it to see it. Something in me has not wanted to paint over that. There is some kind of comfort in seeing that every day. But it's time. I'm ready.

This is my year now. Tomorrow I have plans and will share it with everyone then. Until then, take care and have a great day!

Kel

Today

2008-03-13T08:47:00.000-07:00

I had a very hard time last night. I kept having the memory of Carol sitting in the chair that last night crying and saying she was afraid something awful was going to happen. I don't know why, after all this time, I felt guilt. I laid in bed and started to beat myself up over the fact that when she said that, I did nothing. I kept asking myself last night over and over, why didn't I go and sit with her, give her a hug, or hold her as she cried. I just laid on the couch and said nothing. Eventually, I went back into bed and that was the last of it. I played it over and over.

Today. As far as I'm concerned, today is the day. It might be different each year but I remember it as a Thursday. I remember being at work and getting the call. I remember the Friday. I just can't wrap my head around the anniversary of her death being on a Saturday. Call me crazy but that's just the way it's going to be for me.

How am I feeling today? Is Acceptance a feeling?

Kel

A little better

2008-03-12T08:30:00.000-07:00

Today, so far, I'm feeling a little better. I still might leave early again today from work. Yesterday it felt good, in a sick kinda way, to go home and crawl into bed and just hide from the day. Of course, you can only hide for so long and eventually, you have to get out of bed and face the pain. I finally took my taxes in. Carol always did the taxes or at lest got everything together to take to our tax guy. She was very very good at it. She wanted to take a class to do taxes for other people. I think she would have been very good at it and been happy doing it.

So this is my plan so far for Sat. It just so happens that March 15 is Cambria's birthday. I was thinking about it and thought that I could hang out with Cambria and celibate her birthday. If we want to talk about Carol we can. If we want to hang out and have fun with a bunch of friends, I can. I get to take a long bike ride to Thousand Oaks. Then a long bike ride again to get home.

That's my plan so far.

Kel

Not a good day

2008-03-11T08:35:00.000-07:00

I am fucking wreck. Just on my way to work my emotions would swing from complete peace and acceptance to sitting in fear and crying. Nothing I did or tried to do could or would stabilize my emotions. I hear what people are saying; That I'm doing good and that I have the strength to make it through this. That I lived through the day last year so I will do so again this year.

All of that is true. I will. But I just want to crawl into a whole somewhere and hide for a week. I just want to sit somewhere where my emotions can swing and bounce as they want to. I just want the pain and loss to go away. I just want to feel normal and at peace. I don't want to go through this. I don't want anything to do with this week. It is too painful.

But I will. I have no choice. I guess the saving grace is that I have the love and support of my family and friends. It would be a dark place indeed to be in if I were to have traveled this road alone. Thank you, everyone.

Dreams Part 2

2008-03-10T11:42:00.001-07:00

I hate this week. I just want to go somewhere and hide. I want to stop feeling like I feel. Every attempt to distract my thinking or try and do something else has successfully resulted in returning to my feelings of dread. I dread this week. It’s like a countdown to the one year mark.

I dreamed about Carol last night. It was an odd dream. In it, she was asleep in my bed. I was in shock at first but then for some reason I got the impression it was a year ago. In the dream I knew Carol was going to die in a few days but she did not know it. I was confused about what I should do, should I tell her, should I not? Evidentially I decided not to tell her and let her live the rest of the week as if nothing was going to happen.

Dreams are dumb…